I finally got around to hearing the infamous Pat O'Brien voice mail messages today. You remember Pat, the Access Hollywood host/ass-kisser extraordinaire, who used to be one of the big sports guys at CBS? The apparent coke/booze/broads fiend left some risque voice mails for his mistress/whatever, and she made them public. Lets just say, after listening to them, you could gather that he was kinda into this chick. Get somebody to pay you $1 each time Pat says "I'm so into you", or "You're so [bleepnig] hot" and you'd be rich. At times it sounded like he was reading from a grocery list of things he wanted to do, and have done, and watch done. One could almost envision him running down the list with a pen, chcking off the acts as he mentioned them. Sexy!
Of course, Pat is already well into Celebrity Recovery Mode. Unlike regular folks who go on booze and coke binges and likely lose their jobs, celebtities like Ol' Pat can take a different track:
Step 1: Admit you have a problem, at least privately. Check into a rehab until the news storm blows over.
Step 2: Endure the inevitable round of jokes, as the tapes become public and spread like wildfire. Make sure agent is aware to keep media on speed dial for frequent updates on your condition. Alert celeb friends in the media to vouch for what a great person you are, and make sure they mention your addiction as a disease.
Step 3: Contact Dr. Phil for match made in Ratings heaven. Arrange interview/confessional, milking it as much as possible.
Step 4: Emerge "A Changed Man". Listen humbly while Dr. Phil plays the tapes, and immediately imply that that wasn't you talking, it was the coke. Plead for mercy in the court of public opinion. You'll get it.
Step 5: Reclaim job, celebrity status intact, if only damaged a bit. After all, it's not like you're O.J. and actually killed anybody!
I'm not famous, and nobody outside of a small circle of people even knows who I am. I like it that way. If, at some point, for whatever reason, I do attain even a small measure of celeb status, there are two rules I will stick to at all times:
Rule #1: Don't leave voice mail for anyone after drinking and/or doing coke
Rule #2: Never videotape yourself having sex.
Regarding Rule #2, the most popular recent examples involve Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton. Obviously when these tapes are made, they are not intended for public consumption. Each was leaked under different circumstances, but the sheer idiocy of the existence of the tapes is the real issue here. Knowing that you are famous, wouldn't you think twice before you A - Paris) Hooked up with some loser who suggested he turn on the camera, even if he was using Night Vision, or B - Pam) at least agree that the tape would be kept somewhere secure, like a safe?
What's odd is that these two have not only weathered the storm, but a case could be made that they are more popular since the tapes were made public. Paris Hilton, who has no discernible talent and is famous simply because of her last name and plastic looks, has used the tape to her advantage. Some suggest that the timing of the tape being "discovered", which coincided with the premiere of her ridiculous Fox show "The Simple Life", was intentional.
Whatever the motives, Paris seems to have followed a different path to Celebrity Recovery:
Step 1: Deny, deny, deny that you had anything to do with the tape being released.
Step 2: Express shock that these personal, intimate moments are now being made public.
Step 3: Keep name in the public by continually expressing "shock" and "outrage" over the tape. Be sure your publicist mentions your upcoming Fox show in every release.
Step 4: Continue to be a vapid, narcissistic idiot, and laugh all the way to the bank.
I guess the joke is on us, since both Pat and Paris continue to be famous, make more money than any of us, and enjoy lifestyle perks far beyond anything we peons could possibly imagine. What a country!
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